A laugh a day keeps the doctors at bay

If laughter is the best medicine, I should be a picture of vibrant good health and vitality after this morning’s visit from the Professor and three of his minions. When they come storming through the door, it’s like being attacked by a regiment of grenadiers. After asking me how I was and not waiting for an answer, he said “Now what’s with this bloody leaking tube?” I showed it to him. “Gimme a pair of gloves”, he barked and was immediately handed some. He then literally tore the bandage off the top of the PEG connection and his temper worsened. “Who the hell’s done this? It’s a complete dog’s dinner. No wonder the bloody thing is leaking. Scissors!”

I didn’t dare tell him that the person responsible for the mess was the Professor’s colleague, another Professor who runs the gastroenterology department. So now Prof S started unscrewing bits of valve and things, muttering to himself all the time “Bloody mess. I have to do everything myself in this place. What the hell are the nurses for? Bloody ridiculous”.
I had never heard him swear before. He was certainly making up for it now. “Now this bit belongs on this one, except that they don’t match. Why don’t they match? Eh? What? Somebody’s been tampering with the bottom bit, using a monkey-wrench by the look of it. That’s why. Haven’t we even got a pair of pliers in this place?

His three minions were standing at the wall behind him, watching the conjuror at work. Eventually, he seemed satisfied that had reconstructed the valve. Except when he let it go, there was water squirting everywhere again. The Professor nearly had a seizure while the three minions were in clear pain because they wanted so desperately to laugh but didn’t dare to do so. I just lay there with my bed gradually turning into a spa while water gushed out of the pipe. “Sh*t”, goes the Professor, “We don’t need this frigging thing anyway. I’m taking it out. Someone get me a GT7VB9 parallel intubation whatsname with an F9 screw clip” (or something like that – I wouldn’t know it from a bar of soap). One of the assistants dashed off and returned with a valve that looked pretty much like the original one. Anyway it seemed to stem the flow. Except that the nurse saw that there was now water escaping from another point along the tube. More panic.

It took them twenty full minutes to get the new valve fitted and working properly. When the Professor said he had to dash off to continue with his rounds, I said “OK, Professor, Thanks very much for the swimming lesson!”
He looked over his shoulder at me and said “Just don’t tell your son!”
Latest status three hours later: The tube is holding. But Zurich has issued a tsunami warning...!!

Apart from that, today has been pretty reasonable. The painkillers are working fine during the day but not at night. They’re trying to find a solution with which there can be a constant 24-hour flow without my having to trigger it (which of course I can’t do in my sleep).
So that’s the news for today.