Back to "normality"

Linda left here late this afternoon and will be back in England late evening.

It was great to have her here for a few days and she certainly managed to cheer me up to a certain extent. Unfortunately, what I'm noticing at the moment is that there are heavy fluctuations in my mood. We did have a few laughs during her stay, but then there were other times - like most of today - where I just didn't feel like laughing or even talking. All I wanted to do was sleep. Once one of those lethargic moods gets hold of me, there's nothing much I can do about it.

The diarrhoea problem was tackled by reducing the amount of "tube feed" and the speed of the infusion. That has done the trick, but I'm now getting only about a third of the calories my body needs, so I'm permanently tired. I've stopped most of the physiotherapy because I simply don't have the energy for it.

In retrospect, coming here to Mammern at all has been a waste of time. The stomach problem, plus all the aggravation with the stoma bag out of my throat which leaks and makes an awful mess time and time again, have taken up most of my attention since I've been here. There has been very little real rest (there are people marching in and out of my room all the time) and it has been far too cold to spend much time out in the park. I'm not at all convinced by the medical care. If I had stayed at the hospital, the diarrhoea problem would have been dealt with much more quickly and professionally and at least the nurses there know how to install a stoma so that it doesn't explode in the middle of the night. Here, the entire staff just seems to be over-extended. They're all very nice, but they're out of their depth. Half the time, they seem to be phoning the people at the hospital to ask what to do next.

The latest example was this morning when the doctor said there was nothing in my file to indicate that I should be transferred directly back to the hospital at the end of this week. I could go straight home. I told him that was ridiculous. How am I supposed to deal with the stoma and the nourishment and all the rest of it all on my own? That, apparently, hadn't occurred to him. Anyway, I'm now waiting to hear whether I'll be moved back to Zurich on Friday or Saturday. From my own point of view, the sooner the better.

Oh well, I'm back on my own again. No Linda to keep me from brooding over the situation. I think once I get back to Zurich, I'll feel more optimistic than I do right now. If nothing else, I'll at least feel that I'm a lot closer to home.